The Cataclysmic Cookie Conflict

I don't think to post often, and even less frequently remember that this site exists, but every now and then things happen that I can't help but put on e-paper for the world to share.

We've been extraordinarily lazy lately. While basking in the last few days of vacation, we sat this morning on the couch for about three hours, me with my lovely Xbox, Em doing something-or-other on the computer. (I think it had to do with pictures, so if you know where to look, there might be new ones posted).

Near the end of our slothful spurt, when our couch sores were beginning to overcome us, we both got up and were in the kitchen. Emily looked past me at the pantry and said "I want a cookie." I, with no reason whatsoever, took this to be the opening salvo in an unscripted, unprompted, battle for the pantry. I gave here a mock-steely look and said "No."

And so it began. Em looked back at me, nostrils flaring at the first sense that this was the beginning of her jihad. "I.......want........a cookie."

I poised ready to defend whatever stash might be in the pantry and calmly replied, "Never."

Like lightning, she faked left, dashed, right, but still ran into my wall of mass. I, ever the thinker, pulled back like an archer on her brastrap and let fly. THWAK! Her eyes went wide with the rage of a buffalo overdosing on hot sauce. She left my chest with a clear red handprint as I laughed and sprinted away to the living room.

We circled like ninjas about the coffee table, I chasing, she ready to evade. She spat the accusation at me: "COOKIE!!" Then, quick! Into the bedroom, where the bed and random landmines (laundry basket, lampstand, oddly placed backpack) proved too much for me to handle. She made a dash back out to the kitchen for the cookies and nearly made it before I cut her off at the pass (dining room table).

She fled back to the bathroom, screaming in mock anger and alternating between jibberish and "COOKIE!?" I responded with my best pirate laugh. Ever mischievious, I spotted the mirror's dry erase marker out of the corner of my eye. Emily followed my gaze with a shriek and scurried around me and out as I snatched the blue stick.

Just before she reached the pantry, my marking tool of doom caught her shoulder. It was this innocent action which brought out the demon-wife. Her eyes turned the color of fire (in my head) and the sounds which accompanied her claws were inhuman. I took a moment to reconsider the wisdom of my marker actions, and came to a new conclusion (perhaps it had been unwise) just as a wild Emily claw snatched the marker and turned it against me. With a grin and mock-rage she shouted, "I WANT A COOKIE!"

We rolled over on the floor, slashing swaths of color at each other. A few minutes later the cataclysmic battle was ended, each of us covered in blue marks of glory and grins threatening to touch our ears.

"You know," I said, "there aren't any cookies in the pantry." Silence. She looked at me, tried momentarily to glower, and then we both burst out laughing. It's a good day to do nothing at home.

=)
-Conrad-